Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
translated into Canadian
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*