how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
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If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.