The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
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Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
this is the news I live for
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*