You Might Also Like
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
How to woo a woman
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course