as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
(True)
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down