i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
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I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
so weird how every mom was born today
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Best seat on the street 😍
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Don’t touch that.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio