Life is a suicide mission.
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Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Breaking news:
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium