did… did they arrest the mountain lions
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Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Born to be mild.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
(Electricians.)
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.