*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”