The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
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“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up