I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
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My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I love twitter
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image