I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed