I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight