Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
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[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.