My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Children of the corn 🌽
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.