If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
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Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.