Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
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anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My background check bounced.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree