The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
The Struggle
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive