Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
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My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.