[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
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Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Merica.
You know…for fall…
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide