Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
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Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them