Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
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10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
😏😏😏
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.