Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.