How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
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How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Canadian owl: Eh?