Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
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Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.