I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
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[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent