I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
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*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
North and South
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.