My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
#Caturday
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*