[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
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The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
another case of gang violins
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
everyone’s a critic
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.