Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
That time Alicia messaged me
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Tough love is true love
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
don’t be scared
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.