A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
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The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it