Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I have obtained a hat
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.