Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
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Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I think they could have phrased this better
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.