Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
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How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.