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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
pls suprot
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
They did not think through this water fountain
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin