[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.