My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
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[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.