My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Oh my god
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!