Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
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*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”