The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
You Might Also Like
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded