Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
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I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.