If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
At least he brought enough for everyone
My background check bounced.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
just got my engagement photos
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer