🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
some things should go without saying
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
When he asks for feet pics
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet