when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
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“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.