Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though