Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.