me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
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Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.