First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
You Might Also Like
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat