That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
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Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Just grow your own
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.