Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
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My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.